When I was 15 years old, I locked myself in a bathroom for an hour. Truthfully, I can’t’ even remember what brought this on, but I know I felt deeply unwanted. I was a youth group, along with my brother, and even though I was at an event with friends, I felt alone and unwanted. Somewhere along the way, the rush of self-criticism and lack of connection came over me. I internalized a sense of castoffness, and because of that, every conversation I was not part of, any joke vaguely spoken in my direction simply imbedded me in despair. These were feelings I knew quite well throughout my teenage years. And so, I began to believe that no one wanted me in youth group. Would anyone even notice if I just disappeared for an hour? 

I locked myself in the bathroom and sat down against the wall. I only came out when my parents arrived to take my brother and I home. Then, with the youth group standing around asking if I was ok, I walked out with a word. I was silent all the way home.

Loneliness distorts our inwards selves. It matters not whether we are in on the company of others or not, loneliness creates an emptiness within us. We are restless within ourselves, never at peace, never at home. Yet instead of drawing us closer to another, loneliness distorts our experience of community. It inevitably drives us away from others. Alone in the bathroom, I desperately wanted others to notice my absence, and to reach out to me. But when they did, I refused to answer.

This is what loneliness does. Loneliness is self-confining; it erects walls around us. The lonelier we feel, the more we reject others, and the lonelier we become. It is a cycle that keeps us in a spiritual prison. In his book Reaching Out, Henri Nouwen describes how loneliness distorts our spiritual lives. He writes, “Our life becomes a spastic and often destructive sequence of actions and reactions pulling us away from our inner selves.” It’s almost like we throw our spiritual temper tantrum. Our spiritual life explodes, and we act rashly. Hence locking myself in a bathroom for an hour.

So, what’s the solution? How do we break free from spiritual loneliness? The answer isn’t found in more friends, a richer community, or the establishing of a robust popularity. All these things lie on the surface and fail to touch the loneliness within. Instead, we combat our inner spiritual loneliness by cultivating inner solitude.

This may sound strange, especially if we think that solitude is about being alone. Wasn’t I in solitude when I locked myself in the bathroom? Solitude isn’t about being by ourselves; it’s about being with God in an intentional way. Just as loneliness exists independent of the number of people we are surrounded by, so too, solitude is more than just being away from people. Solitude is an inward stillness where we can be attentive to the God’s voice in the moment. As opposed to the quick and spastic reactions rooted in loneliness, Solitude quiets us so that we might listen to God’s words of acceptance, mercy, and love.

How might you cultivate solitude in your life? The way forward is quite easy. Just take 5 minutes to turn your attention to God’s presence. Open yourself to God’s voice spoken over you. Take a statement made in scripture, or a favorite verse, and rehearse it as if you are listening to God speak it over you. For example, whisper to yourself “I am a beloved child of God.”  As you hear this declaration again and again, imagine the truth becoming a solid rock upon which you live, and move.  Then, when the 5 minutes have ended, go about the rest of your day. You may just find that your verse sticks with you.

When we cultivate solitude, we can be alert to God’s presence in the complexity of our lives. This helps us navigate our response to whatever we face externally, and whatever screams within us internally. Solitude creates an inner capacity to recognize God’s desire for us in the present moment. Solitude may not stop us feeling slighted, criticized, or ignored, but it does allow us, in those moments, to turn our focus toward the God who loves us unconditionally.  By doing so, we live from a place of spiritual freedom, rather than condemning prison of loneliness.