As a writer, receiving a copy of my book in the mail is something I have always dreamt about. Thus, I was exhilarated when that moment was realized. Holding my first book in my hand, with the rich blues of the cover staring back at me and my name boldly printed as author, I couldn’t feel more satisfied. I brimmed with pride as my wife gushed, “I am so proud of you!”

But then an odd thing happened.  As I leafed the pages, delighting in its layout, a small voice spoke within. “This book is trash!” it said. As I read over passages I had arduously crafted, I thought “ugh…why did I publish this?” My pride waned. In that moment I put my book down convinced that no one would like it. It would become a testimony of my failure, rather than a statement of accomplishment.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we allow our inner voices to be so critical of our abilities or efforts?  Instead of resting deep in the delight of God, we pay attention to our own cranky curmudgeons which highlight every flaw, mistake, and shadow of imperfection. Henri Nouwen was right when he said that the greatest danger to our spiritual lives is our own self-rejection.

Can you relate? I know Moses can.

You might think that having God speak to you from a burning bush would be an exciting event. You might even think it would be listed as the best days in one’s life. Shouldn’t Moses be elated about what is unfolding before him?

But this is not how he responds. Instead of excitement, self-doubt rises within him; instead of a voice of affirmation, Moses listens to an inward voice of criticism and self-judgement. He utters one excuse after another as to why he could not possibly walk into Egypt. To him, all these reasons make sense; they are obvious to everyone: He hasn’t known God long enough; He doesn’t have all the right answers; People won’t like him; He is a man slow of speech. Standing firm in his own self-rejection, Moses believes al his efforts are trash. After all, his last attempt at leadership went terribly awry. Isn’t that evidence that this call wasn’t for him? Why would God call someone so obviously incompetent?

Despite what self rejection screams at us from time to time, we are not our mistakes or our imperfections. What is more, God’s blessings upon our lives do not stem from the perfect execution of accomplishments or tasks.  We never earn our spot with the Almighty. Instead, the unrestrained love of God that is both transformative and liberating is offered freely. 

Like Moses, we can be so busy listing off what we can’t do or who we are not, that we fail to hear what God can do, and who God is. Moses says, “Who am I that I should go to Pharoah and bring Israel out of Egypt?”, but God says, “I will go with you.” Moses says, “I don’t know the name of God,” but God says, “I am who I am, this is my name forever.”  Moses says, “I am a man slow in tongue”, but God says, “I made your tongue, and I can do miraculous things through it.”  The point is, Moses’ ability, or perceived lack of ability, was never part of the equation.  Moses wasn’t asked to be perfect, just faithful. What is more, that which Moses highlighted as his weaknesses was the place where God’s presence would be revealed. When we listen to the voice of self rejection, we drown out the voice of divine affirmation.

Do you ever fear that you don’t measure up? Does self-rejection sometimes speak a little too loudly?  If you have ever found yourself rattling off such Moses-like litanies, take heart. You are exactly the person you need to be for this moment. Yes, we all have places to grow, but needing to grow is never something that keeps God’s blessings away.

My book isn’t perfect. I know that. Inevitably there will be people who will think it’s trash, some may even tell me so. But my imperfections have no bearing on God’s delight over me. And neither do yours. God’s loving acceptance is rooted in who God is, not your accomplishments. God’s love frees you to rejoice in who you are today, and to grow into who God calls you to be tomorrow. And just like we see with Moses, whatever you offer to the Lord, no matter how it may seem to you, is met by a power that can do more than we infinitely ask or imagine. And in that we can rejoice.