For years I looked to ordination as the key to my identity. I believed the collar would create the inner confidence I so desired but could never find. Better yet, others would respond to my obvious called-forth identity. Standing tall and proud in my back clericals, they would see me as someone uniquely set apart and special. Ordination would mean I had arrived, that I was recognized, respected, and known.

But this never happened. The collar never took away my insecurities or petty comparisons. In fact, it made it worse.  Everywhere I looked I saw a cadre of clergy with bigger churches, and better charisma. Everyone had more experience, more expertise, and more recognition. For the first 15 years of my ministry, I plagued myself with unrealistic-and- tormenting questions like: Why don’t people want my advice? Why wasn’t I asked for this important job? Why was I given this menial task? or Why am I not good enough?

From ordination to conference speaker; from smaller church to a bigger church, from doctoral degree to an elongated title; each time I chased some external validation, the needle moved. Instead of self confidence I would find another reason to doubt myself, and the rootedness I longed within my own identity remain illusive.

That is, until I stopped trying to answer the question of my own identity.

One of the basic questions we can ask ourselves is “Who Am I?” This question goes before others, such as “What can I do?” or “How do others see me?”  The problem is, however, we often look to answer the first question by way of the latter two. We see our identity has contingent upon the validations we can achieve, or the praises we can garner. Of course, if those don’t come, or they don’t come in the way we recognise or value, we disregard our identity all together.

I wonder if this is why Moses initially rejected his calling at the burning bush. Moses had spent years defining himself by the lack of external validation. Israel rejected his attempt at leadership, and Egypt chased him out of country. Everything he went through told Moses that he was not useable by God; that was his identity. He hasn’t known God long enough. He doesn’t have all the right answers. People won’t like him. He is a man slow of speech. God’s calling to Moses went against how Moses saw himself.

But here’s the thing; the answer of our identity is never one we must create; it is one we receive. Moses was so busy describing how he saw himself, that he failed to hear how God viewed him. His identity was defined by the Lord’s voice. Thus, when Moses said, “I don’t know the name of God”, God says “I am who I am, this is my name forever.”  When Moses said, “I am a man slow in tongue”, God says “I made your tongue, and I can do miraculous things through it.”  And when Moses said, “Please send someone else”, God says “I will send someone with you.” Moses’ identity was never the result of what he did, or what others said of him. Moses’ identity was quite simple: he was man crafted and called by God.

It can be exhausting moving from one validation to another, always trying to find that which will quiet the restlessness within. And truth be told, throughout the Exodus, Moses continued to struggle with a need for external validation. But the burning bush wasn’t just a calling into a ministry task. There before the fire, Moses received a word about who he was, and was asked to step into that reality.

What might it look like for you to take a further step into your own identity, as defined by the one who created you? Can you see yourself as God sees you, and accept that truth? Henri Nouwen once wrote “our identity can find its basis only in God’s word to us that we are beloved, not on the world’s fickle promises.”

You are not what you do. You are not the product of what you have done, either good or bad. You are not what others say about you. Your value and worth are not based on any external validation. When you strip away all the externals, all the strivings, and stand before the one who speaks from the fire, your identity becomes clear. You are crafted and called. That answer alone is enough.